I love rainy nights. I always find myself at my balcony window when N’s asleep just to soak in the weather.
I’ve been a fan of the beach forever. When I was younger, I’d go to the beach all the time. I’d sit, alone or with best friends, and think about life. It was where I used to go each time I was troubled, just to take a minute away from it all. It was where I used to go when I felt overwhelmed, and I’d look up at the sky to remind myself how fleeting life is and how small my problems actually are.
I’ll always feel a special pull towards the beach, and perhaps life knew that too because I ended up buying a house just a 10-minute walk away. And because I’m so near, when I close my eyes at my window, I smell the beach. I hear the same rustling because the same kind of trees are outside my window. I feel the cold wind on my face just as I used to at the breakwaters. Somehow, I’m back there. And it will remind me of my younger life. Before I got married, before I had N. And I do miss it – being able to do things on a whim, only having to think of myself and my routine. Life is very much different now and in no way am I saying it’s worse off but I do miss the old life. I was carefree, adventurous, thirsty for the thrill in life.
But then there’s so much to look forward to. One day I’ll sit with N at the beach and talk about life with her, hoping she finds the same comfort in the waves as I do. And I’ll tell her stories of how I used to imagine teaching her how to ride a bike at the park there. I’ll teach her to look for the stars when life gets too much to handle and if it gets chilly, I’ll teach her to breathe out from her mouth.
Yes I don’t have much free time for myself anymore. And yes, nothing I do is solely for me. But everything, every single minute, means double as much to me now. Because I am a Mama.