I don’t know if I have any male readers but if there are, just a heads up, you might not like what you’re about to read, but you definitely should anyway.
I saw a quote some time back, somewhere, that went something like this: “A household can be looked at like an organisation. The wife is the CEO, and the husband the sole investor.”
While I half disagree with this (because to me, a CEO mainly makes all the decisions and doesn’t really do all the work and an investor is never really present within the organisation, just puts in money then expects results/returns – and it shouldn’t be this way) there’s a part of me that also resonates.
There’s no doubt that women naturally take more of the load at home. In the past, the common setup was one where the husbands would be out working while the wives stay home with the kids. Over the years, women have evolved to be more present in the workforce so much so that we reached a point where the new norm was to have both the husband and the wife working. Unfortunately, while women have proved to be able to take on more outside the home, the load that lies within the household still remains largely ours.
I’m not making any new statements or observations here – this is the truth and we all know it.
In my case, I’m not out working. But that does not mean that I’m not working at all. I find it sad that stay-home mamas always feel the need to justify themselves. We constantly feel like someone is asking us “What have you been doing all day?”.
In my first issue of the #HeyMamaSeries that went out some time back, I wrote about Mental Mess and how it can so easily throw you off. A few days after I sent that letter, I was sitting down and reflecting one night and I realised that the main reason why my mind is always so… foggy, is because I was simply taking on too much.
It’s apprently called the “Mental Load”.
Not only am I doing 6,413 different things/chores everyday (manage the kitchen, school trips, meals, laundry, cleaning up, diapers, play, do I even have to list everything down?) I’m also perpetually juggling another 6,413 things on my mind. I have to schedule the cat’s grooming appointment soon. The school fees are due. I’ve to send that load to the tailor next week. We’re out of milk. We have coupons expiring. The sheets haven’t been changed recently. N’s been watching too much TV, she hasn’t been to the playground in a while.
Remember the comic that went a tad viral? This one. I think everyone should read it. Read the comments too.
I often find myself wishing I had less to do. I find myself sighing and sighing all day wishing I had more help, for some of my responsibilities to be taken off my shoulders. Do I have to do everything?!
“You should have asked.”
It’s annoying. Having to ask for help is like adding one more thing on the to-do list, not removing.
Sometimes I even feel guilty for asking for help. When I decided to stop working and stay home, it was almost as if it was drawn out that the home was my turf and since I wasn’t helping him out on his turf (working and bringing home money), I’m somewhat not entitiled to ask for help with mine. Sometimes I ask anyway, and even if it doesn’t get done right away (and I feel my skin burning), at least it gets done. But more often than not, I’m just thinking…
“Why should I even HAVE to ask? It’s your home too, isn’t it? She’s your daughter too, last I checked?”
Before I continue I first want to make it clear that it’s not like H doesn’t help at all. He does help here and there. Sometimes he clears the sink. He takes out the trash whenever he’s home. He cleans the fans. Fixes whatever that’s faulty. He settles the cat. He pays for meals when I don’t cook. And I appreciate these, not that I don’t.
But truthfully, it’s not nearly enough.
It may not seem like it, but I’m managing more things now being a SAHM than I was at any point in my career before I stopped working. I manage N’s schedule (school/shower/meals/screentime/naptime/learning activities), manage the meals, manage recreational plans, manage laundry, manage groceries, manage my own life and somehow still have to find time to manage 4thirty.
And I’m not just managing them in my head, I’m also doing all the work! I’m Queen Bee AND Worker Bee!
A lot of my girlfriends say the same thing. It’s a common problem. A quick Google search on the issue also proves that it’s not a problem bounded by race, religion, geography or age. Upbringing, perhaps (nature vs nurture?), but it’s a worldwide issue. Covid19 isn’t the only pandemic we’re facing.
Women complain all day that their husbands don’t help out at home, while men say “I didn’t know I had to”. Like the comic illustrated, men don’t seem to be able to naturally take on some of the mental load and us women, we end up thinking “I’m so sick of having to tell him to get up and do things, I might as well do it on my own. I do it better anyway.”
And the cycles goes on and on. Women stay silently unhappy while men stay… oblivious.
The only solution for this is to have an adult, open-hearted conversation. Women need to understand and remember that men aren’t wired the way we are, and as clishe as it sounds, it will be unfair if we expect them to read our minds. Men on the other hand need to be more aware of the invisible work that women do everyday, and know that they’re not “doing us a favour” when they help out – it’s their responsibility just as much as it is ours.
A proper conversation, I imagine, would be able to resolve most things. In this case, it might help set expectations without us women having the need to create a “chore list” or schedule the calendar (read: MANAGE) for the husbands.
It’s something I need to work on. I naturally am a micro-manager, I prefer things to be done a certain way, I can’t stand mess, I always put the work before the rest. My siblings once casually called me “uptight” and it was like a slap in the face (by my own hand) so hard that I still feel the virtual vibrations in my head today, many years later. Some people have told me to try to leave the home and N un-managed and spend a whole day out…
Yeah, even the thought of that is giving me anxiety.
I need to teach myself that I have every right to ask for help. I may have gotten used to being able to handle everything on my own but in marriage and parenthood, I should not have to. I have to strike a balance, and I have to learn to be okay with being the “bad guy” and asking for things to get done.
The truth is if I do not insist on getting more help at home, I will end up setting the wrong expectations, creating the wrong norm, and I will forever be miserable.
Share your thoughts with me in the comments section below!