Okay so with all due respect, I’m going to dive straight right into this one:
“She’s too attached to you.”
I get this line a lot. Less nowadays actually but there was a period of time where I kept getting this remark and I would lie awake in bed at night wondering what it meant and if it were true. Whether or not I was ruining her childhood or prohibiting her growth and maturity in some way.
This remark came from people who I care about and who care about me so I knew it didn’t come with any ill intentions. But I struggled to accept it, and it ended up bothering me a whole lot.
Usually this line would pop up when N refused to go with other people, or if she would constantly look for/at me while playing with others. People would ask if I’ve left her in the care of others and when I say no, they’d go “she’ll be too attached to you, you’re only making your own life difficult.”
I know what they mean. They mean: I won’t have time for myself. They mean N wouldn’t ever be okay with others if she’s just with me all the time. They mean N wouldn’t learn to self-soothe if I’m always there to help her.
But is it really so wrong? I’ve had 29 years of time for myself. N will never be this small, this young and mouldable, ever again.
In those moments I would only be able to afford a smile and a nod. But here’s what I actually would like to say:
I’m home with her everyday. I feed her, bathe her, play with her, sleep with her. Everyday. I wipe her feet when they’re dirty, and I push her hair away from her eyes. I read her books a hundred times to her. I tickle her, chase her, pick her up when her legs are tired. I bring her out to see the birds, and I cuddle and squeeze her to let her know I love her.
Of course she’s attached to me.
And I want her to be attached to me. I want her to want me. I want her to know that I’ll always be there to make her feel better. I want her to look for me when she’s uncomfortable or scared or in pain. When she grows up into her own person, I want her to still have an attachment to her mama. To know she can come to me to talk about anything at all. I want to be her best friend.
I want to have that bond with her. I have the time now to seed that kind of relationship so I want to be obsessed with her and for her to be obsessed with me. She will learn to welcome others one day. She will learn to manage without me one day. And when she does, I want to be assured I did what I could to ensure that while she goes on to explore the world without me, every new milestone she hits and every new experience she has, she’d want to share it with me. It’s something I personally believe is so important, and I know that relationships take lots of time, years even, to build so I’m starting now. I don’t want to just be her mama, I want to be her best friend.
I want her to be my Rory.