The other day someone confided in me about a problem she was facing. She wasn’t getting along with her in-laws, and she felt alone and pressured to succumb to their expectations of her with regards to her baby.
Her in-laws had certain practices and styles that she just wasn’t comfortable with. And this discomfort has led to a lack of trust and security, to the point where she gets anxiety even when any one of them carries her son. Unfortunately this has also contributed to a shaky relationship between both parties.
When I read her messages, I felt really bad because I could tell that she feels caught in the middle between being a strong mama who can stand up for her child in situations that she does not feel is best for her baby, and maintaining respect and honouring her in-laws.
But when she went on to describe how it was affecting her – lack of sleep, anxiety, depression, haunting thoughts – I started to get worried. I asked if she had spoken to her husband about it and the first line of her answer shocked me a little.
“He blamed me for not interacting enough with his family.”
Perhaps I should have let myself continue reading before reacting but that line just threw me off. It’s a line that I’ve heard way too many times. Husbands blaming their wives – for everything. Now, I don’t know the full background of her relationship with her husband. Maybe he said this after considering other possible reasons, I don’t know. But I imagined that this was his immediate answer and that was why I felt a little.. angry?
Luckily, she went on to explain: “After a while, he saw for himself what I meant.”
Being married to someone else, who comes from a different family with their own backgrounds and stories, is a tricky and sensitive thing isn’t it? Then enter a baby – BOOM things either make you really appreciate your in-laws or they just make you want to migrate away.
I ended my conversation with her by sharing that I felt what was best in this situation was that she and her husband talk things out and draw a line as to what would be acceptable for their kid. Then, to me, it is up to him to explain to his parents/siblings and stand his ground on behalf of his little family.
While I would love to delve into in-laws and the topics surrounding it, what I actually want to write about is something I’ve learnt in the two years I’ve been married:
You don’t just need a partner. You need a partnership.
If you look up the meaning of “partner” you get: a person or group that takes part with another or others in doing something. It literally just means it’s a person, besides you, who contributes in getting something done.
You don’t need a person to just be there to help. You don’t need for someone to just contribute. You need more than that. In a marriage, in parenting, in coexisting. You need an understanding. You need a partnership.
A partnership to me is when you and your spouse can almost read each others’ minds. When neither has to ask the other to get something done – there’s initiative to uphold the responsibility they carry in their role. When support is 100% genuinely given in any situation. When both stick to a decision they’ve mutually made. When you take all the lows together, and go celebrate all highs together. When you step up in situations where your other half falls short. There’s no resentment, no disappointments, no bringing-down simply because your goals are shared.
I’ve heard a few things from people around me:
“I want to do BLW and husband says okay but then he asks to spoon-feed when he sees how little our baby eats.”
“We agreed not to sleep-train, but when the baby is up all night he wants to leave her to cry it out.”
“My husband does the bare minimum around the house. Worse – he only does them when I ask him to.”
“He says I deserve to feel tired because I chose to be a SAHM knowing how exhausting it can get.”
All of these, I think, can be avoided or fixed if there’s a solid partnership established. Similarly, in relation to the case above, a strong partnership between her and her husband would help overcome this tricky situation.
I can’t tell you how to get that going, but I do believe that the foundation for a true partnership is Love (and that it takes time to build).
When you love someone, you care for them immensely. What’s important to them becomes important to you. Their happiness becomes your happiness, and their worries become yours too. You put them before yourself (and your spouse puts you before themselves) and everyone lives in harmony.
So work on Love. Find Love. Build Love. Teach Love.