Hey Mamas, you know that feeling of not wanting to hand your baby over to someone else? That half-smile you give when someone reaches out to take your baby/kid from you when they’re crying or fussing? That feeling in the pit of your stomach when someone says “it’s okay, I’ll change her diaper, you do your own stuff” or “I’ll put her to sleep”.
Motherhood can cause such a confusing effect to your emotions, huh?
I’d love your help, I really do, but at the same time, I do it best so why not I just do it? One thought, loaded with so many feelings: guilt, protectiveness, even arrogance.
I remember feeling that way especially the first few months after N was born – even towards her father! If he were to be alone with her in the nursery, I’d always be there, hovering in the background. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I had this bursting need to make sure she was fine (read: handled my way).
I call it: Momxiety.
It’s the anxiety of being away from your baby. Of not being the one to soothe her, wrap her, carry her, clean her. It’s the anxiety of someone doing it wrong, taking too long to settle her, making her even more upset. It’s the anxiety of not being there when she needs you.
Maddening, but it hit me guys, and it hit me H A R D.
Remnants of it still exist these days, 9 months in. Would it ever go away? It came a few days ago when I saw a missed call from the childcare centre we applied to. Is this it? Do I have to give her up? Is someone else going to be taking care of my baby now? Alas, it was only a check-in to update me that there’s still no slot and given the weird circumstances we’re in now (Covid19), they won’t be able to advise on enrolment.
Phew.
I’m not ready. Momxiety has built a home inside me and has gotten comfortable. I don’t know if I’d ever be ready to give her up for 10 hours of a day. Don’t get me wrong, being a SAHM is exhausting and can sometimes seem fruitless, unappreciated and suffocating, but I still enjoy it. I have almost zero time to myself but I make do. Now this might change in time to come, but for right now, I’m not ready for someone else to mama her.
Momxiety.