When I first found out I was pregnant and that I was due in August, I could already work out my maternity leave and when I would be back at work. From then on, all I looked forward to was being away from office.
When I gave birth in early August, I started the countdown of 16 weeks. I kept telling myself “you’ll be back at work in December”.
The first few weeks postpartum I was occupied with everything related to being a new mama and caring for a new baby. But once things settled down, I immediately already started to feel the stress and dread about going back to work. It consumed me. It made me anxious about leaving my baby, but most of all it made me feel crappy about having to go back to my job.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s a great job. I was just tired of it. We all reach this point sometime in our careers right? No?
And then I started to think about how 16 weeks of paid leave is great, but really it’s not enough. Doctors, doulas and websites recommend for mothers to latch and breastfeed their child for at least 6 months. How can we do that if we have to go back to work at 4 months? The stress of having to express at work (taking time away from your desk, finding somewhere comfortable and private enough, the ten million more things you have to bring/wash/chill/pack everyday), maintaining a diet healthy enough for producing milk but also filling enough to last you the whole day, and the guilt when you’re running low on your secret back-up stash of frozen milk.
Why, why put this unto a woman who has just birthed a child? 16 weeks is barely enough to recover from the trauma that is contractions and delivery. What more recover from the sleepless nights during that first two months and the dehydration that occurs on the daily? And to make things worse, she won’t even be able to smell, hug, kiss, squish or even stare at her baby – the reason she’s doing all this for – for comfort for at least 10 hours during the day!
So believe me, I was dreading having to go back to work alright. I looked at my options and after several conversations with H, decided to extend my leave. I think N not being accepted into a childcare in time was also a sign that I should stay home.
Everything happens for a reason, right? Maybe something better will come along, who knows! For now, I can put away the milk bottles and freezer bags #BecauseSAHM yay!