I’ve always thought my life to be… normal. Just like everyone else. I went schools that most of us did, I sang the same songs and dressed the same way as people around me. When I was a teenager, I binged on the same western shows my friends did – and we all imagined ourselves in that world.
Somehow, almost two decades later, here I am: married, with a new baby daughter and basically living… in the U.K. Was this planned? No. It was always just a fantasy in my head, never something I ever truly set out to realise in my life. It just happened.
Although it’s been two years now, I still find myself struggling with the new norm. It’s like cycling up a really, really long hill. The learning curve is somewhat steep – I am still adapting to the country, the weather, the people, the lifestyle.
When we found out we were pregnant, I thought about flying back to Singapore to be with my mother through it all. A part of me yearned for her comforting hands to soothe me during labour, and her nurturing and guide when confinement came around. But the reality of it was that I had just began setting my roots here. Plus, the pandemic made it almost impossible. So, we stayed put.
Our daughter is 8 months old now. Although I’m new into my role as a mother, I’ve very quickly realised a few things that are different from back home. Most significantly is how communication here between parent and child is very different. It is very much more open and parents here do not “dumb down” things for their children – they speak to them like fellow adults.
I’ve also realised that I would probably have a lot more challenges raising my Muslim child in this non-Muslim country: Singapore made it easy. Or should I say, easier.
Being so far away from my family has taught me to be more independent and self-reliant. But I was raised in an Asian family. I was super close with my siblings, I stayed with my parents until I decided to move overseas (my partner and I did long-distance marriage for a while at first). I miss them, definitely. Every single day. While I love being able to be on my own here, and the fresh environment I have to be my own kind of parent, I still find myself phoning my mother for every small thing.
That, paired with the loneliness that motherhood brings, was what brought about that moment where I realised why my mother is the way she is. Why she did what she did when I was an infant and how she raised me. Now, raising my own daughter in a foreign land, I have learnt to appreciate the fact that I was born and raised where I was.
It would be nice to have my daughter grow up with my family but we videocall her grandparents every day and use that time to update each other about our days. Because she’s still very young, there’s not much interaction to foster for now. But hey, my parents have learnt a trick or two to get that cheeky chuckle out of her on their calls!
What I would say to those who plan on starting their families abroad? Support is key. If you’re choosing to move to your partner’s country of residence then you will need their help a lot, especially at the beginning, before you manage to get your own footing.
Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash