Every Mama has her own way of describing motherhood. Because it’s something so personal, right? It’s your unique journey that no other Mama goes through, but at the same time all Mamas go through. It’s an insane sentence to read, I know.
For me, motherhood is best described during that 1-2 minutes at night (yea, it doesn’t last that long). When I’m all cozied up in bed. This moment that I’ve been waiting for since… noon… is now finally here. But wait. What’s that? I’m… missing… my… kid? The same kid that was driving me up the wall just a few hours ago? Yeah that one. I miss her already. What on earth is happening? I was just wishing she’d hurry into bed so I can get a moment alone, and yet here I am camping in front of the camera smiling to myself like a freak watching her sleep.
It’s that moment, because motherhood to me is feeling 500 different emotions at once. It’s still wanting to be near her all the time no matter how touched-out I feel. It’s wondering if she’s dreaming of me at night when we’re not stuck to each other like we are the rest of the day. It’s wanting to be away from her but not wanting to be away from her.
It’s crazy but at the same time magical. It’s something I can go on and on talking about, but at the same time I’d still say it’s indescribable.
But you know..
Some Mamas can say “the moment I looked into my baby’s eyes for the first time, I felt like the Mama I was meant to be”, and I’ve always wondered how that feels. When I looked at N for the first time I was 1) so exhausted from labour and birth, 2) overwhelmed with what just happened and 3) absolutely famished. It wasn’t a magical moment where “everything made sense”. No, nothing made sense. I just had my body rip apart to push out this tiny thing and now I’m responsible for it for the rest of my life? What.
I’ve always imagined myself as a Mama and maybe that’s why I can’t really say “my whole life changed”. I’m blessed enough to be able to live the life I dreamt of 10-15 years ago. So no, my defining moment of Motherhood wasn’t the day my child was born.
Instead, those quiet moments at night are when I find myself saying “this is what being a Mama feels like” and those are the moments where everything makes sense.
Photo by Mathilde Langevin on Unsplash