One of my aunts (haha she’s going to absolutely slaughter me when she reads this because she’s actually only 5 months older than me but on the family tree she’s my aunt [hello, weird Arab family trees]. In reality she’s more like a sister but HI AUNTY FARAH) posted something on her IG a while back about how she’s only having her morning coffee at 11am and that she was about to have a shit day and gave a warning that she might be stepping on toes (sorry, not sorry kinda vibe).
“If you get hurt it just means you’re either in my way, you’re too sensitive or you’re trying to stop me.”
Let’s take a moment to digest that. Because I had to. Okay no, I actually immediately hit reply to say “bloody accurate” but I found myself still thinking of this line a few days later.
I naturally care a lot about what other people think of me. I always want to please, I always want people to like me, think I’m cool, think I’m exciting, interesting, fun enough. It’s why I can probably get along with anyone. I adapt, I observe and apply, I am a chameleon. Because I want to be liked, I want to fit in, I want to make others comfortable. So the thought of being.. almost ruthless (not the best word here but hey poke my brain) to get things done *ahem* my way *ahem* honestly SCARES me.
I’m not used to being okay with being the reason why others are… not okay.
Basically, I am Alicia Keys.
In her “Unlocking Us” podcast interview with Brene Brown, Alicia Keys said, “I truly made so many decisions or found myself in positions where I alter little pieces of myself in order to either please someone else or in order to fit in better.”
“It’s hard to pinpoint the precise moment when we internalize other people’s assessment… And then we wake up at age 17, or 25 or 37 and we realise we don’t know the last time we’ve lived life only to please ourselves.”
Really, when was the last time you did something without caring how or even if it would affect someone else? When was the last time you did something for yourself? And I’m not talking about “cleaning the house cos I cannot stand the mess” or “cooking tandoori chicken because I felt like eating tandoori chicken” kind of things.
I’m talking going blonde, getting that piercing, jumping out of a plane, disappear for a day, paint your walls red kind of things.
I cannot remember the last time I did something for me. And that’s so sad.
When I think about what Farah said, I find myself knowing what it feels like to want to say it. And then I realised that it applies to me only at home, with regards to maintaining the household. I am routine-obsessed, and especially in the mornings, I can be a bulldozer. A zillion things have to get done by noon, done to my own approval, and I hate it when people get in my way.
Sometimes people call for a chat when I’m trying to cook and me being a pleaser, I’d chat anyway. And then they can tell in my voice that I’m not completely present in the conversation and then they get offended. Or sometimes people come over while I’m supposed to be hanging out laundry and they get annoyed that I’m not outside in the living room with them.
I know I make them feel these things, but I do my own shit anyway.
Why is it in these situations I can disregard what people say or be okay with people being unhappy due to my actions, but when it comes to making actual decisions, I simply can’t? Yes, perhaps if they’re big decisions that involve other people I shouldn’t be disregarding other opinions but what about those decisions that are only mine alone? Why do I let myself be controlled by the thoughts and words of others?
They say “do what makes you happy” but what if.. I do them, and I become happy, but then people start sharing (voluntarily) their opinions (of disapproval) and that makes me unhappy? Then what’s the point?
You know, ever since the year started, I’ve been wanting to get another piercing to mark my 30th yaer of being alive. But I know it’ll come with sarcastic comments and judgements and looks (even though actually now with the hijab no one will actually see it).
I don’t want to be Alicia Keys.
I want to be a bulldozer.
I want to get that piercing.